Tuesday 10 September 2013

Time to confess

Goodness me where has the time gone? Tomorrow my little girl will be 7 weeks old.

Let's get straight to it....I've been absolutely bloody awful! There, I said it. It's out there now.

Some of you will have noticed that I didn't post an update on Sunday. That's because I didn't actually weigh in. I knew how bad I had been and to be honest I was afraid to get on the scales (still am if the truth be told). Oh and it was all going so well.

Let's start at the beginning. After my daughter was born I lost 6,11 & 2 pounds. I also stayed the same for a week and the latest weigh-in was +3lbs. I am not really sure what's going on in my head. It wouldn't surprise me if my next weigh-in is a gain of double digits. What I do know for sure is that losing weight is possibly more about getting your head right and sorting out the emotional/mental problems, than just diet & exercise.

So when I say I've been awful, I really mean it. I've binged loads, I've eaten takeaways, tubs of ice cream (yes, a whole tub just to myself...in one night). It's almost like I'm possessed sometimes. Afterwards I get so mad at myself. I just can't seem to do moderation when it comes to unhealthy food. I've noticed that I have a lack of energy too, on top of the sleepless nights that a newborn brings.

I have tried to think about why I've eaten so badly. What I have come up with are the following excuses (and let's face it, they are excuses)

1. A reward for giving birth (cause it is bloody hard work)
2. Relaxing the very strict diet that I was on due to gestational diabetes
3. Rewarding myself for bad nights when baby hasn't slept well
4. Eating convenient food when lack of time due to demands of newborn
5. Needing more calories due to breast feeding
6. The 'no one will know' thought
7. It will make me feel better

It's pretty pathetic really. I am in real jeopardy of destroying all my hard work in 2012. I cannot allow that to happen.

Mum (I know you're reading this), I'm not still in this place - do not panic!

So where am I now? Well throughout this time I've continued to watch programmes that inspire me such as Jessie Pavelka's 'Fat: The fight of my life' and also by following and reading a blog by 'weight loss bitch'. I watch these people who have more weight than me to lose and am inspired. When I watch the tv series I see some of the problems they face and remember that I used to have some of these problems. I slowly remember quite how miserable I was. I particularly find Weight Loss Bitch's blog and Facebook page very encouraging. She posts about her own journey everyday. She used to weigh over 40st and so far she has lost over 15 1/2 stones so far just with healthy eating and exercise. She is very honest about her journey, which is what I am trying to do here. I have continued to read/watch these and just been waiting for the penny to drop again and to be able to see clearly. 

Thankfully I'm happy to say that the penny has dropped. I have noticed a few things that I'm not happy with. My clothes are getting tighter, my double chin is coming back and I can't see my collar bones as clearly, as well as the things I mentioned above like tiredness. Today I ate the last of the unhealthy foods in the house so tomorrow I can start a fresh. I am going to weigh in tomorrow and just face facts. Anyway the number on the scales is only telling me the truth and I need to face the consequences of my bad choices. I'm prepared to be totally ashamed of how much I've put on. I'm just hoping that I can cope emotionally with it. I may well type another post to get out how I am feeling about it...we'll see what tomorrow brings.

Those that know me know I like to set goals. I have 2 big goals to aim for at the moment.

1 - to lose 1st by Christmas (14 weeks away so average of 1lb per week)
2 - to lose a further 1st by beginning of May (we go on holiday to Portugal. 18 weeks after New Year)

I think these goals are realistic - as long as I can stay in control of my demons. Unfortunately this time round I will not be going to the gym due to finances, so I will be exploring the different ways to exercise at home. I have got an exercise ball, weights, dvds and an exercise bike so there is a lot at my disposal. 

Wish me luck and thank you for reading x