Thursday 28 June 2012

Little dip

Argh!!! I'm so annoyed with myself. Last night my husband was working so I was on my own.

I'd eaten dinner, chicken stew, with my son at about 5.30pm. I made a big batch so that I could freeze some for my son. After I put my son to bed I went and got another serving of my chicken stew. I think I did this because I normally eat after he's gone to bed; more out of habit of eating at that time. Then I had a feeling in my stomach...it felt like hunger. So I ate some crisps & a cereal bar. But I was still 'hungry' so I had another packet of crisps, cereal bar & jelly.

Inside I was telling myself off and getting cross. But there was this bloody voice taking over me (well that's what it felt like). I then went and ate 4 crackers with cheese.

What have I done?!?

This morning I made sure I went to the gym to make sure that what happened last night didn't ruin me. I didn't enjoy it as much as normal, but just told myself it was the consequence I had to face because I over ate.

I had a bit of a funny turn at the gym. Started to feel a bit sick after I'd run for 5 mins. But a kind man advised me to go and ask reception for something sweet. I had a biscuit and then got straight back to my workout. But I made sure I didn't jog anymore, so I just did a power walk.

I have no idea why I felt like I did last night. I'd had a good day with my son. I guess this may happen from time to time. It's been a while since I felt like that.

The one thing I have been determined to do, is be accountable for everything I eat. So regardless of what I eat I make sure that I've tracked it. That way I can see exactly where I've gone off track. So even though I made some bad choices last night, I wrote it down where my husband & friend can see it. I think this helps me to get back into it. Otherwise it would feel like I was hiding it and hiding what I ate is what helped get to so where I was at the beginning of the year.

Monday 25 June 2012

The half-way mark (long)

Today marks a big milestone for me.....I am just over half-way to my goal weight.
As of today I have lost 4 stones 1 lb (57lb/25.5kg).

This journey started on 2nd January and on that day I knew that I had a mountain to climb, my Everest. The journey so far has been full of ups & downs in my life, as well as my weight loss journey. Life can be so testing sometimes and I feel that I have managed to really test myself over the last 6 months. Previously I would have had an eating binge and scoffed bars of chocolate, family sized packets of crisps and take-aways. I would have then felt worse than before. This vicious circle was the story of my life for too many years.

I feel immensely proud of what I have achieved so far. I don't just mean the physical weight loss but also my state of mind. I see food totally differently now. It's taken a lot of determination and persistence, as well as bundles of loving support from friends and family. I used to look at cakes, chocolate, take-away and high calorie foods and salivate. Now when I see these foods I feel a bit sick. All I can see is the fat and think about the damage that it would do to my body. This is a revelation and I'm hoping that this new found thought stays with me.

What is funny now is watching other people. We went out for dinner the other day and we asked for 1/2 spit-roast chicken on it's own - then we load up on salad. The waitress seemed concerned that we didn't have anything to go with the chicken. We explained that we wanted to have salad, yet she was very keen for us to have a sauce to go with it. We declined and said that the salad bar would be sufficient. There are definitely some people who are shocked that the amount we eat is enough. The way in which the world sees food has changed dramatically over the past few decades and the world's weight is a direct consequence of that. I no longer want to be part of that statistic. I find myself watching programmes that explain how the world got so much bigger. I find it so interesting how food & beverage companies have had such an influence everyone. My husband and I used to eat takeaways and an embarrassing rate. We'd think nothing to eating a large Domino's pizza each and also share a chicken combo. I mean that just scares the hell out of me now. It must have been at least 2000 calories just for that. This doesn't even include the other food we'd consumed during the day.

I pray everyday that this is a change for life and that I can continue this fight forever. I am so much happier than I was 6 months ago. It's quite amazing how much losing 4 stones can affect your life. There are things I can do now that I just couldn't before. I was very much like those super morbidly obese people you see on the tv. Life is generally more difficult when you're bigger. I am always amazed when people say that they are happy when they are obese. Not because I don't think they look nice, but on a practical level, just putting on socks used to be an effort; being out of breath when you walk up a flight of stairs; not being able to keep up with friends on a walk out; not being able to see your toes etc. For anyone reading this who's been lucky enough to be pregnant, it's like the practicality of being pregnant....but all the time.....without the joy that pregnancy brings.

I have been contiually shocked and surprised by something other people have said to me over the last few months. It's something that I still can't get my head round. I have been told that I am an inspiration. I feel very honoured that people think this of me. At the end of the day I'm just a woman who has decided to fight, but let eveyone watch. I have to say that writing this blog has been so cathartic. I didn't dream that writing down all my thoughts and feelings could help, but it has.

My journey is only half way though and the changes so far have been immense. I have 2lbs to go until I get to the weight I've never been able to break through as an adult. Once I get through this it's all new territory. I'm looking forward to continuing on my journey and seeing the results of my hard work. Next week will mark the end of the first 6 months. I'm hoping to lose that 2lb by then, but we are going away for 8 days on Saturday. I will still be logging on though as we're taking our scales with us!

Thank you for joining me on this journey - I couldn't have done it without you xx

Sunday 24 June 2012

Race for Life

On Wednesday I completed a 5k to raise money for Cancer Research. Firstly a huge thank you to those people who very kindly sponsored me -I managed to raise just under £100.

I practised doing 5k at the treadmill on Monday & Tuesday and I managed to complete it in around 50 mins. I was really pleased with this. I did a mix of walking, jogging and walking uphill. I felt that I now knew what I was facing.

So Wednesday came and when we left home I started to get a bit nervous. 6 months previously I wouldn't have even attempted it due to being so obese & unfit.I really wanted to do well.

For those that haven't been involved in a 'race for life' I'll explain what happens when you get there. About 20 mins before the race all the ladies taking part can get involved in a mass warm-up session. So my friend and I took part in this (even though I felt like such an idiot because we couldn't really see the stage to know what we were doing). Then we decided to join the 'joggers' group. My friend & I had agreed to start off with a jog and jog at the end, and jog when we could in between. Plus we said that we'd stay together. I was so pleased about this - I still have issues about how I look. It's hard to feel differently about myself when I felt like this for so many years.

So we're waiting at the start line with everyone else. The countdown began 5, 4, 3, 2, 1......and then in true race style....we stood still. There are so many people to get moving that we probably stood still for about 2/3 mins. Then eventually we were off. We started jogging but soon had to walk due to the sheer volume of people and the slim paths. As planned we did a mixture of walking and jogging. We were talking for most of the way round which helped so much. I remember walking past the 1k sign, but can't remember seeing any of the others...must have been talking too much.

When I was jogging I felt so good. Another very good friend and I always talk about how different it is to jog/run outside, compared to on the treadmill. But I was actually surprised at how good it felt. It is definitely something that I want to do again at some point. the route was marshalled by police & volunteers. They were encouraging and told people how well they were doing. Which helped me stay focused.

We were just doing the last 500 meters and I saw my husband and my other friend waving. It was such a relief to see them both. We had just 1 more corner to go and then it was then we could see the finish line ahead of us. We managed to jog the last bit and passed the finish line at exactly 54 minutes (but bear in mind we were waiting for about 3 mins at the start). I was so pleased that I had completed it in about the same time as I had done at the gym on the treadmill. Crossing the finish line was amazing. There was a huge sense of pride and achievement. I couldn't stop smiling. I got my medal and then went to too my husband and friend. They greeted us both with huge smiles of congratulations and hugs.

I really enjoyed being involved in the 'race for life' I managed to raise money for a very worthy charity and achieved some personal goals of my own. I'm thinking about doing another event next year, as well as the 'race for life' which I'm definitely doing again. I've been looking at doing a sponsored midnight walk, which is a half marathon in aid of St Catherine's Hospice. It wouldn't be for another year so I have lots of time to practise. But who knows what will happed in the next year, so for now it's still just a thought.

Here is a picture of me and my friend at the end of our 'race for life'.

Sunday 10 June 2012

Health MOT 3 month review

3 months ago I wrote about my Health MOT that I had had at the gym Health MOT & Training Programme. Today I had my 3 month review.

Below are my results and the changes (in Pink)

Hip to Waist ratio = 0.90   0.82
Aerobic fitness = 30   39
Resting heartbeat = 56   55
Cholesterol = 4.55   4.83
Blood Glucose = 5   5
Health score = 58   69
Weight loss = 26lbs
Blood pressure = 137/88   126/76
I have also knocked 5 BMI points off.

I'm absolutely thrilled with my results. It's so nice to see that I have made such a good impact on my health by changing my life. I aim to repeat my health MOT in another 3 months.

Today also marks the end of my sponsored slim for my local NCT Branch. My aim at the beginning was to lose 14 pounds. I'm very pleased to say that I have almost doubled that.

For anyone who wishes to still sponsor me you still can. Below is the link to my Just Giving page where you can sponsor me. Sponsored Slim Just Giving page

I would just like to say a huge thank you to those people who have already sponsored me. I know that the branch is very grateful and I'm sure the funds will go to good use.

Saturday 9 June 2012

Reflecting on my life (long post)

Whilst on my journey I have thought many times that there is no way I ever want to be as big as I was at the start of this year. I've done a lot of thinking over the last 5 months. I think mainly because of watching 'The Biggest Loser USA'. They talk a lot about losing weight only being part of the journey. In order for it to stay off you have to understand why you allowed yourself to get to that point. This is so true. If I don't try to understand why I over ate, then I could possible get sucked back to that lifestyle, years down the line.

So looking back over my life I can remember being big from the age of about 8. I remember walking round the playground at school with some friends discussing then how different we felt. I was normally one of the last to be picked for teams at school. It didn't bother me too much when I was younger. My mum always says that my attitude was that if you didn't like me then that's your problem. But naturally as you grow up and puberty hits, mixed with the pressures of secondary school, that all changed.

Another point in my life I can remember was when I was about 12 years old. I was hanging out in our local park with a friend and lots of her friends. To be honest I was a bit scared of their friends. They were older and were all drinking & smoking. This was the night I was to have my first cigarette. Anyway after this we were all sitting on the grass. I remember being really quiet coz I didn't want any of the older kids to talk to me. But I guess that's a bit like a red rag to a bull for some people. This one boy started talking to me from across the grass. I gave one word answers I think. Then he said something which I've never forgotten to this day. He called me 'Bacon'. I didn't get it.....and neither did some of his friends. So he enlightened the group by telling them.....it's coz I was fat like a pig. As you can imagine I wanted the ground to swallow me whole. I was so embarrassed. But in true overweight style I laughed it off.

That turned out to be the way I handled most of my life when it came to my weight. Now obviously I can't speak for other people, but when I was bigger I used to hate meeting people for the first time. I'd try to get in a joke or comment about my weight/size before they did. As an adult I was always worried what people were thinking of me. What a turnaround from when I was younger. I used to work in childcare and once I was doing a baby massage session with the children I looked after. we'd also invited in some mums to do it with their babies. So there we are about to start and one of the mums turns to me and says 'so when are you due?' OMG - I couldn't believe it. I think I said something about just having a big tummy and laughed it off. Even during my 14 years in childcare I had several children telling me I had a fat tummy/bum. Which in all fairness was true but it still hurt nonetheless.

Previous relationships have also had their part to play. You know when you've been together a couple of years then ......BOOM.......you've put on 2 stones.

Apart from these instances and others similar, I had a good childhood. I grew up in a loving and secure family who mean the world to me. Right now I can only guess that I was an emotional eater. I ate when I was happy or sad. I think the only time I've not eaten is when I'm scared. I remember once my mum & I went on a trip to visit friends in Basingstoke. We got very lost on the way home and I thought we were lost forever (i was about 10ish). We stopped at the services and my mum offered me sweets. I declined and she said 'you must be scared'. I also think that I was a thoughtless eater. You know when you eat but afterwards you can't really remember what it tasted like? I did that a lot.

I think that it hit me hard about a month ago. I went into my old work to see all my old colleagues with my son. I was talking with my old manager. At this point my son was having a growth spurt and eating quite a lot of snack. I'd worked very closely with this lady for 7 years and knew that it was a factual and innocent comment. She said to my son 'you eat a lot, just like your mummy.' Now please don't think this shocking coz I did use to eat a lot. I didn't used to take my lunch break coz there was always so much to do. So I'd nip to the local shops and buy so much rubbish. Then I'd scoff the lot. I reckon on some days I'd easily get through 4000 calories a day. But hearing her say that made me see myself how others saw me. I didn't like it one bit. I don't want to be known as the person who eats a lot ever again. Anyone reading this who has ever worked with me will know that I dieted a lot - it obviously never worked.

I don't think I've really got the answer yet as to what made me eat so much. The times I've discussed are more to do with people's reactions to me being overweight. But I guess these reactions could have led to more comfort eating. I'm nearly half way through my journey so I've still got time to discover the reason.

Friday 1 June 2012

Celebrations

On Monday was my son's 2nd birthday and we had a lovely weekend. We had some friends round to play and had a BBQ, we went out for lunch and lots of other lovely things. The problem with this is that I went off track for a few days. In fact since we came back from holiday I've found it a lot harder to get back to my new normal way of life. I have found myself more hungry than before and I lost my way a bit. I have had great moments since being back from holiday as I mentioned in my last post Summer, but generally it has been a struggle. During the week one friend said how good I was looking but I told her that I was feeling really fat at the moment.

Anyway back to the celebrations - as I said, I have made some silly choices with regard to my food & exercise. I only have myself to blame and I know that I am totally accountable for what's happened. But even though I have fallen off track, I have still tracked everything I have eaten on My Fitness Pal. I decided a long time ago that I had to be totally accountable for what I ate. So even when I've not been so good I have tracked what I've eaten. I have found that this has actually helped me get back on track quicker than if I hadn't tracked.

Several people have asked me what the app is that I use, so here's the link to My Fitness Pal.

I have also only been to the gym a couple of times since being back from holiday and found myself not going for as many walks or cycling as much as I was before my holiday. This has had a big impact on my fitness levels too. Because of the lack of healthy eating & exercise I found myself becoming more tired and lethargic. I can totally see now what an amazing affect they can have on someone.

Yesterday I decided that enough was enough. Partly because my in-laws had my son for the afternoon and I really had no excuse not to go to the gym. So after lunch I went down the gym. I did about an hour doing weights & cardio and then I went for a swim. I managed to swim for 15 mins in one go which I was really pleased with. Then I had 5 mins in the sauna and then went home. I felt so much better after I'd done some exercise. I didn't feel fat anymore! I also managed to stick to my calories too. I'm hoping to be able to undo any negative impact my eating at the beginning of the week may have had.

Last night we went out for another family birthday and saw my sisters-in-law. They all commented on how good i was looking which made me feel much better. This morning I decided that I had to start doing more exercise again. I cycled to baby rhyme and home again going the long way. This was 25 mins of cycling. I was feeling so pleased and actually feeling better as the day went on. I made sausage casserole at lunchtime and popped that in the slow cooker. then this afternoon I took my son for a walk. I walked for a total of 1 hour 40 mins pushing the buggy. So I now feel totally back into it.

I have been lucky not to have put on any weight whilst I've been struggling. This is great because it means I can carry on where I left off - 49 pounds lost. I've got some milestones coming up which is very exciting. Only 1 more pound until I've lost 50. I'm really hoping that I can do it this week.

Having the support of family & friends, as well as writing in my blog, has really helped me to be able to get back on track when I stray off the right path. So huge thanks to everyone who has been there for me, complimented me and kept me going....you have no idea quite how much it means to me.