Whilst on my journey I have thought many times that there is no way I ever want to be as big as I was at the start of this year. I've done a lot of thinking over the last 5 months. I think mainly because of watching 'The Biggest Loser USA'. They talk a lot about losing weight only being part of the journey. In order for it to stay off you have to understand why you allowed yourself to get to that point. This is so true. If I don't try to understand why I over ate, then I could possible get sucked back to that lifestyle, years down the line.
So looking back over my life I can remember being big from the age of about 8. I remember walking round the playground at school with some friends discussing then how different we felt. I was normally one of the last to be picked for teams at school. It didn't bother me too much when I was younger. My mum always says that my attitude was that if you didn't like me then that's your problem. But naturally as you grow up and puberty hits, mixed with the pressures of secondary school, that all changed.
Another point in my life I can remember was when I was about 12 years old. I was hanging out in our local park with a friend and lots of her friends. To be honest I was a bit scared of their friends. They were older and were all drinking & smoking. This was the night I was to have my first cigarette. Anyway after this we were all sitting on the grass. I remember being really quiet coz I didn't want any of the older kids to talk to me. But I guess that's a bit like a red rag to a bull for some people. This one boy started talking to me from across the grass. I gave one word answers I think. Then he said something which I've never forgotten to this day. He called me 'Bacon'. I didn't get it.....and neither did some of his friends. So he enlightened the group by telling them.....it's coz I was fat like a pig. As you can imagine I wanted the ground to swallow me whole. I was so embarrassed. But in true overweight style I laughed it off.
That turned out to be the way I handled most of my life when it came to my weight. Now obviously I can't speak for other people, but when I was bigger I used to hate meeting people for the first time. I'd try to get in a joke or comment about my weight/size before they did. As an adult I was always worried what people were thinking of me. What a turnaround from when I was younger. I used to work in childcare and once I was doing a baby massage session with the children I looked after. we'd also invited in some mums to do it with their babies. So there we are about to start and one of the mums turns to me and says 'so when are you due?' OMG - I couldn't believe it. I think I said something about just having a big tummy and laughed it off. Even during my 14 years in childcare I had several children telling me I had a fat tummy/bum. Which in all fairness was true but it still hurt nonetheless.
Previous relationships have also had their part to play. You know when you've been together a couple of years then ......BOOM.......you've put on 2 stones.
Apart from these instances and others similar, I had a good childhood. I grew up in a loving and secure family who mean the world to me. Right now I can only guess that I was an emotional eater. I ate when I was happy or sad. I think the only time I've not eaten is when I'm scared. I remember once my mum & I went on a trip to visit friends in Basingstoke. We got very lost on the way home and I thought we were lost forever (i was about 10ish). We stopped at the services and my mum offered me sweets. I declined and she said 'you must be scared'. I also think that I was a thoughtless eater. You know when you eat but afterwards you can't really remember what it tasted like? I did that a lot.
I think that it hit me hard about a month ago. I went into my old work to see all my old colleagues with my son. I was talking with my old manager. At this point my son was having a growth spurt and eating quite a lot of snack. I'd worked very closely with this lady for 7 years and knew that it was a factual and innocent comment. She said to my son 'you eat a lot, just like your mummy.' Now please don't think this shocking coz I did use to eat a lot. I didn't used to take my lunch break coz there was always so much to do. So I'd nip to the local shops and buy so much rubbish. Then I'd scoff the lot. I reckon on some days I'd easily get through 4000 calories a day. But hearing her say that made me see myself how others saw me. I didn't like it one bit. I don't want to be known as the person who eats a lot ever again. Anyone reading this who has ever worked with me will know that I dieted a lot - it obviously never worked.
I don't think I've really got the answer yet as to what made me eat so much. The times I've discussed are more to do with people's reactions to me being overweight. But I guess these reactions could have led to more comfort eating. I'm nearly half way through my journey so I've still got time to discover the reason.
No comments:
Post a Comment